Checking in

Well, Bob checked in, and he wants me to check in, so here I go. This isn't going to be pretty. For those interested in keeping their illusions of pastoral life being blissful, turn away.

What am I learning?
I'm finding my physical limits and how to say, "I'm done" even if there's still stuff to do. I'm learning how exceeding my limits is dangerous to me, my family, my co-workers, my church, and the reputation of Christ. I've had some close-calls lately, too many...

I'm learning how to find and take rest. It really is in the arms of God. I can be dead after a full night's sleep, but it's my spirit, not my body, that is tired. As I read Scripture, pray, read other stuff, meditate, connect with other believers, it all starts to sink back in.

I'm learning the purpose-driven side of organic church. With many, many things I can see the organic nature of a church coming together and working together, but there are some things that just need to be led through by the leaders, especially in the beginning. I believe Vox Church went too far in the direction of "everyone's a priest, do what you want!" and didn't lead anyone far enough down the road. Still in process on this one, and this has probably been the toughest part of eldering lately.

The differences between God's role and my role in relationships. The gist of it is my job is to love God [abiding in Him] and love people [by forming relationships with others], God's got everything else taken care of.

What is God forming in me?
God is forming a quiet resilience in me. In learning to be quieter, I'm understanding the use of introspection a lot more. In my introspection, I have found a deep drive to see Vox Church through until I'm in the ground. I guess this was always true, but now it's true in the midst of adversity.

God is also forming deep truths that will not go away for a while. When I was younger, I learn things, forget them, learn them, forget them. At this point in my life, I'm going through very hard things where the price paid for my forgetting is a lot higher.

What it really takes to live missionally. This would be my one area of headway in the last couple of weeks. God has been bringing me slowly along in the life of a missionary and now I'm beginning to see a little bit of fruit, but in my life and in Kristy's. And it's good.

What am I (pastorally) forming in others?
I don't know, pity? annoyance? indifference? nothing? This is probably the reason why I hate working 60 hours / week, I just can't stay connected to people, not like this. I'm probably being very hard on myself as usual, but I really must strain to see what I'm forming in others. It's probably a lot of stuff I can't see yet. What I want to be forming in others is a heart for the dying, broken, and confused. I want to be forming compassion, and a deep connectedness to God and others. I feel like I'm hitting a wall.

What is the practical outcome, the tangible benefit, to others of my life lately?
I seriously cannot think of one thing. Really, I'm trying and nothing. It's virtually impossible for me to have nothing to say, but nothing. Maybe someone in Vox could think of something, but I can't.

Am I paying attention to the most important things, or simply the most urgent things?
Important, but I'm actually trying to move toward urgent. I know, it sounds very strange, but it's the truth. Much of the beginning with the elders has been with trying to realize huge dreams without killing ourselves with the little details. The urgent details don't always get taken care of in order to focus on the important. This isn't really working, so we're regrouping right now.

Tags:

• family
• God
• Spirit-life
• Vox
• work