Broken-hearted ministry

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise" - Psalm 51:17

Having your heart truly broken by God is the most essential pre-requisite to being an effective minister of any kind. To the inexperienced, ministry can seem so blissful, even romantic. We often dream of our own effectiveness and how great the rest of our lives will be.

Then comes the first heartache. It is often a significant disappointment - not as many people came to the event as expected, the church leadership did not give approval, too many details were forgotten and it all fell apart - these are often difficult to take for the first time. They cause us to doubt our idealism, "Maybe ministry isn't what I thought it was going to be..."

The true heart-breaker comes when our ministry ideals hit the wall of disillusionment. This pain is of a greater weight - getting fired by someone you respect, betrayed by a confidant, even realizing you're not as good in ministry as you hoped - they come with a driving force into your gut and leave you breathless. You are brought to the point of despair. All prior dreams feel paper-thin. You feel unqualified.

It is here that the LORD can forge us into the person He is calling us to be. Right here, in this despair and pain when all seems ruined, is when the LORD walks with us through the unimaginable.

On the other side of this heartache is the road prepared for us. We are sober-minded, maybe a little jaded, toward ministry - knowing that we are all just fragile and sinful people. We know the road won't be easy, but we are ready for the storm this time. Instead of battling against our idealism, we fight to stay hopeful. We don't wonder how large the number of people will be, but how many of them will stick around.

And in a funny way, the LORD uses this to teach us that ministry has everything to do with Him. Our hopes and dreams in ministry revolve around Him and His plan. We can no longer get caught up in how things look or feel within our church; the disillusionment has set for too long. We are smarter now. We can do our best and trust God to move how He sees fit.

It is here that we can begin to increase our effectiveness, precisely because we are no longer concerned with it. How our church is doing doesn't reflect our identity anymore, and it is the pain that reminds us to stay this way.

Let our hearts burn with the pain of past lessons. Let us watch as fear and pride melt away to reveal a mature passion for the LORD. It is only the trial that can burn us this way, and we can embrace them as the LORD's blessing.

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The Island

While Kristy and the kids are in Arkansas and I'm busy studying and working in Fort Worth, I thought I'd conduct a little experiment and observe the differences between living with my big family and living on The Island of Constant Solitude.

Everything seems frozen in time. Without the constant movement of big family life, the world around me seems to move in slow-motion. The peace and quiet of The Island is nice, but I have a feeling I will tire of it soon and begin to go stir crazy. In this way The Island is like Vegas in that it's a nice place to visit, but living there doesn't work out so well.

My brain moves at half-speed. This might sound strange to some of you who are more thorough in their thinking, but on The Island I am much more aware of what I'm thinking about. Usually, I'm so busy doing and saying that I'm barely aware of my thoughts before I act on it or say it. It's like watching something happen right before it happens. Right, I'm weird, I know.

Inspiration knocks on my door. On The Island, I become very inspired. I'm not sure why, but a lot of new ideas begin taking shape when I'm alone. Right now I really want to reorganize the entire house, complete with pictures on walls, a chart for the kids, and a couple of bookshelves. Ideas like these come in droves.

Nostalgia is at its height. Memories from yesteryear come flooding in on The Island. I am often reminded of people I haven't seen or heard from in years (speaking of which, has anyone seen Pete Smit?). And the slightest thing will throw me back to the significant events of my formative years (like the time I fell in front of Brad Olivier's Volkswagon Bug). Usually a photo album or old video will make its way out during these times.

My surroundings get ignored. On The Island, the thermostat is lower, the lights stay off, I forget to eat, and the trash piles up. I think this is mostly a bachelor phenomena that hasn't made it out yet, but it really has nothing to do with saving money. I simply forget about them. I've heard many bachelors talk like this, can I get an amen?

I go to bed earlier. Kristy is a night owl of the most tenacious kind. Our entire family (for now) is made up of morning people and she is still undeterred in her efforts to stay up late. But consciousness stops around 9 or 10pm on The Island.

More tomorrow.

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Songs for a Funeral

Every once in a while, I consider what my funeral would be like [don't worry]: what Scripture would be read, what songs could be played, who would give the eulogy?

I don't know about Scripture or speakers, but here are a few songs I'd like to be played at my funeral. Am I crazy or do other people think about this?

Read on for songs and related videos.

"Come To Jesus" by Chris Rice



"I Will Wait For You There" by Phil Wickham



"Daylight" by Brave Saint Saturn
If you get tired of this one, just fast-forward to around the 4:00 [or -1:50] mark. Simply moving.

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No more Vox Church

Over the last year or so, I have undergone one of the most painful and revealing times of my adult life. Our efforts to plant a church have proven only temporarily fruitful. We planted a church, but the church did not survive.

I guess this is what most church planters feel when their efforts do not produce a church that lasts longer than a few months or years. It's difficult to put into words, but one phrase that captures a lot of it is second guessing.

"Is there something wrong with me?"
"Did I really receive a call to plant this church?"
"Is this mostly my fault?"
"Is this what the 'minor' prophets felt like?"
"How in the world does this fit into God's plan?"

The list goes on and on. In fact, I'm thinking about writing a book filled with just the questions that are in my head at this given moment.

I'll leave you with what I wrote at the end of my last newsletter:

Two and a half years ago, two men and their families came to Lafayette with a dream and a calling for a church family. Through heartaches and jubilation, I have journeyed through the process of church planting with no church and fewer friends to show for it. I know the LORD has done great things in the lives of others and has transformed things that I cannot see, but it still seems like such a loss. Even in that "I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death." Even though Paul wrote this from prison and I'm far from that, this is one of the hardest things I have walked through. Thank you to all who have walked it with me. I am better because of you. The LORD is glorified because of you.

By the way, could one of you Photoshop-ers make me an image of a nice gravestone with "Vox Church RIP June 1, 2005 - May 9th, 2007" on it? I'd like to post it here, but don't have the means to make it.

UPDATE: Kent Caperton has come through for me. It's a little spooky, but I appreciate it, thanks bro.

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You think I'm CRAY-ZAY!

OK, here's a little peek inside my head:

Ever since I was a kid, I have these little moments where every thought that I processed was being screamed inside my head. And not screamed in violence, just screamed loudly.

I know, I know, it's insane. And it's not like the screams make me nervous or anxious at all. In fact, I find that I'm usually extremely focused during those times.

They've only happened a handful of times in my life, but it's happening today [after 11 hours of driving through the night followed by 3 hours of sleep] and it made me remember all the other times it's happened.

Weird.

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Strategery...

When I was younger, I took every personality and assessment test known to man. It was almost to the point of obsession, and after a few years, I thought I had myself [and everyone around me] pegged. Whether it was the DiSC Profile [High ID], Uniquely You [Encouragement, Prophecy, Teaching] or Myers-Briggs [ENFP], I was completely over-fascinated with knowing myself during the teenage and early college years.

As I entered adulthood, I took a new kind of assessment: the Strengthsfinder. It threw me for a loop because of one word: Strategic.

Without getting into how it all works, your assessment results from the Strengthsfinder come back in five words: each used to describe how you specifically are strong. Mine [with a brief explanation] are:

Ideation [I can see simple themes through complex structures]
Woo [I can make connections with complete strangers quickly and easily]
Strategic [I can assess a situation and think ahead to remove obstacles]
Communication [I can communicate things clearly and effectively]
Activator [I am predisposed to action first and questions later; I learn by doing]

I was fine with the other four. In fact, I probably could have read all 32 strength themes and picked them out. All except Strategic. That was over 3 years ago, and I'm just now getting around to understanding how I can use it.

With Vox, there are many questions, uncertainties, choices, and overall directions we have to deal with... both as elders and as a community. As I look ahead and think through what's approaching, I can see we need to add to the efforts we have already established- efforts that serve and nurture and train and love and preach. More on this later, just had to get it out there.

It's exciting for me to look ahead, my prayer is that our community can get there in one piece and take others along with us.

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on blogging...

Every time I think of a good post lately, I always come back with, "No wait, I want to tell this to someone instead of just blogging about it."

When I have a good thought, and want to blog it, I think, "I need to keep chewing on this," or "This is something I need to tell someone."

In truth, I'm not sure I want to blog anymore... maybe I'm just done for a while... we'll see.

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The First Blog Idea

Ideas. That's what I'm down to. Nothing more, only dreams and hopes, no action. It's time for action, am I ready? No more hoping and dreaming, now it's time to do. I'll keep you updated.

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